Three Steps To Loving Your Body

I really get it. I do. It’s so easy to get caught up in your thoughts while you’re having sex. We spend so much of our days analyzing our circumstances, our behaviors, and our relationships, that when it comes time to let go and connect fully with your body, your head seems to get in the way. “Am I taking too long to cum? God, how embarrassing. I’ll just pretend.” or, “Does my body look good in this angle?!” or simply, “I should be doing laundry. This is taking too long...”

We’ve all been there. You aren’t alone in this. The truth is, we often get caught up in our thoughts and we use them to navigate new experiences. Many of us have come to believe that knowledge ensures healing. This isn’t always true. Instead of trying to understand why you’re in your head during sex, just notice the thoughts that are coming up for you. Take these thoughts seriously, not personally. If you learned thought patterns that don’t serve you anymore, it means you can unlearn them, too. Here are a few ways to shift the way you’re relating to your body, your partners, and sex.

  1. Disconnect from your day. I cannot emphasize this enough. Work can be stressful, trust me, I get it! Which is why it is so crucial to separate your work day from the rest of the day. Consider turning your ride home into “Me Time.” Rather than focus on the drudgery of rush hour, see it as an hour window where you get to jam to music, disconnect from your responsibilities, and ground yourself. An easy way to leave work at work is to create a quick To-Do list for the next day and leave it at the office. This way, your mind doesn't feel the need to continuously remind you of what else you could be doing. Transform your drive home into an opportunity to check in with yourself and practice self-compassion. Stress can wreak havoc in numerous aspects of your life and on top of that, it is the number one libido-killer! When you’re stressed, your physical and emotional pleasure physiologically decrease as well. By creating a space where you can transition out of stress-mode into relax-mode, you’re already setting the framework for more sensual sex.
  2. SEE YOUR BODY. Oftentimes, I work with clients who are trying to lose weight or eliminate sweets from their diet. They’ll explain, “I’ve changed the foods I’m eating, I’m working out, and the weight still doesn’t come off!” Of course it doesn’t. If the only way you’ll notice your body is when it’s “too heavy” or when it’s “super anxious” then your body is going to hold on to that because that’s what it takes to get your attention! Your body desires your love, it desires your affection. If the only way you relate to yourself is through stress, then your body will hold on to that in the hopes that you’ll pause long enough to notice it. Give yourself permission to relate to your body in new ways. Check in with yourself and notice (without judgement) how you’ve been speaking to your body until this point. Is it compassionate? Is it self-critical? For the longest time, I related to my body through pain. If I had back pain or neck pain, I’d pay attention. If I was painless, I wouldn’t bother to check in. So my body created pain, even in sex. Once I identified this, I chose to relate to my body through pleasure. I literally sat in front of a mirror completely naked and said, “I promise to see you from now on. You don’t need pain anymore. I give you permission to be enough for me. I see you. You are enough.” If the thought of sitting naked in front of a mirror just made you cringe, start elsewhere. Maybe write your body a love letter. What’s important is that you talk to your body, and shift your relationship with it in whatever way speaks loudest and clearest to you. When you TRUST and love your body, it becomes so much more natural to get out of your head and into your body!
  3. During sex, it’s about connecting to yourself THEN your partner. Being in your head can commonly look like, “Am I doing this right? Are they enjoying this?” Performance. We’ve equated good sex with sex in which you get your partner off. So many women have confessed that they enjoy giving, but not receiving. When asked why, their response is usually, “When I receive, I’m totally in my head.” This makes it clear that even orgasming has become performance! “Am I taking too long to cum? Did I cum too fast? Did I sound ridiculous?” We analyze every move that we make in the bedroom - it’s exhausting! Let me make one thing brilliantly clear: sex isn’t about orgasming. Sex is about intimacy and connection. If you orgasm, AMAZING. If you don’t, AMAZING. As long as you are enjoying yourself and honoring your partner. Really. Realize that sex is, first and foremost, an opportunity for you to connect to and enjoy your body. THEN it is about connecting to and enjoying your partner. For example, instead of playing with your partner’s breasts because they enjoy it, consider finding reasons why you enjoy it. You can make this about you. You’ll find that instead of wondering if you’re caressing their nipples “correctly,” you’ll begin flowing with yourself, trusting yourself, and allowing your body to lead. Again, this goes back to trusting yourself, trusting your body, and connecting with self in a beautiful and vulnerable way.

Like most things, shifting your relationship with your body takes effort. Be patient, forgiving, and understanding of yourself and your process. When you find that you are being self-critical or bitchy towards yourself, use these as opportunities to begin practicing this newfound body talk. When a negative thought arises, simply identify that it’s there and replace it with an empowering thought. So if you think, “I wish my boobs were bigger,” stop the thought and instead think, “I am so grateful for my boobs.” Keep it grateful, even if it’s uncomfortable at first. Begin to honor your body, and love all the bits of it. Begin connecting to and checking in with it. When you shower, be present with your body. Feel the water, be kind as you soap yourself up. Find ways to relate to your body. Sex can be an opportunity to see your body, to experience your body, and to enjoy your body!

If you want support building your relationship with yourself, we’re here. Email us  to schedule a free consultation today. Remember: this is all about you. It always has been. Whatever you’ve done or not done, you are worthy of love. Whatever you’ve done or not done, your body is worthy of love.


Debbie & Patty