You're Only 3 Steps Away from Hot Dirty Talk

Sound. Yes, sound. Noises, words, music, moans. When it comes to sex, it’s easy to focus on what we see: the bodies, the hair, the look of ecstasy. It’s just as easy to connect with what we feel: the tingling, the rapid heartbeat, the heat, the tension in our breath and genitals. But what about sound? For many of us, hearing pleasure -- hearing our partner moan our name, hearing the sounds they make when they are in the thralls of sexual pleasure -- can be engrossingly hot. So let’s talk dirty. What does this mean? Simple:
Use your words.

Unlike most sexual fantasies, talking dirty is a skill that is easy to learn and fun to incorporate. In my practice, the topic of communication is typically front and center for my clients. Men and women alike come in looking for something more in their sex lives. That “something” is often the very things that they are not receiving from their partners but that are integral to their sexual pleasure and expression. Many of us have found it difficult or embarrassing to ask for what we want. So how do we skirt past the awkward and dive straight into the sexy?

Dirty talk.

Dirty talk is an accessible and fun way of communicating your sexual desires with your partner(s). There’s an easy process to mastering the art of dirty talk. The fastest way to a night of explicit chatter is to bring it up in-the-moment. For instance, as he’s nibbling your earlobe, you can easily say, “I love it when you kiss me there.” Simple. Now he knows. And trust me, he paid attention.

Now what happens when you’re on the receiving end of the “I’d like you to be more vocal during sex” talk? Your partner has just let you know that it would really turn them on if you would talk dirty in bed.

What. Does. That. Mean?!  

Depending on who you are with, this could be an invitation to say anything from “You look so hot right now,” to “That’s right, ride me from behind, you dirty boy.” Here are a few helpful tips to navigating the delicious art of dirty talk:

  1. First and foremost, notice where you are in relation to your partner. Are you in bed already tangled in each other? Or are you making your way home from dinner? If it’s the latter, take a moment to tell them what you want them to do to you: “When we get home, I want you to fuck me,” or “I want you to go down on me until I can’t take it anymore.” Get specific, “I want to feel your tongue against my clit,” or “I want you to spank my ass,” or even, “I want to feel your entire body next to mine.” Expressing what you want to happen in the very near future not only engages your sense of hearing, but it sets expectations for the both of you as to what you are hoping will follow.
  2. Now you are in it. You are in the moment. Take it all in. Bring in all five senses. What do you see? Smell? Feel? Taste? Perhaps the scene has you on top, your partner’s hand is on one breast, the other on the nape of your neck. Be intentional about breathing in their musky smell. Feel the sweat between your bodies. Take in the sweet taste of their skin. Their heavy breathing, the motion of your bodies. Steady, predictable. Engage your senses, every single one of them. Dirty talk isn’t about being in your head, it’s about connecting with your body and your partner so you can verbalize your turn-ons and desires easily. Pay attention to your partner’s arousal. Once you notice that they are ecstatic, use your words: “I love how you’re squeezing my breasts,” or, “It turns me on when you have your hand on my neck like that,” or try, “I get hot/wet/turned on when I can feel your sweat against me,” or even, “Your cock/dick/vagina/pussy feels amazing inside of me right now.” You get the idea. You've noticed the moment, now just describe it out loud. Use language that is comfortable for you. It can be explicit, or not. Start with what feels like you. You can work your way into more explicit talk later. And don’t worry about having to “invent” the dirty talk. This takes zero creativity. You are literally describing what is going on at the present moment. You are both aware and you are both present but something about saying it out loud can have an erotic effect on the moment.
  3. Fast forward and find yourself on the post-side of an experience. Remember that every second during intimate sex is an experience. Pick a place, big or small, and notice what has just concluded. Maybe you have moved from oral sex into genital intercourse. Remind them of what just happened. I know it literally just happened, but trust me. It works. Reinforce how much you enjoyed it: “Baby, I loved the way you went down on me,” or “I got so turned on when you sucked on my nipples,” and “I loved it when you pulled my hair,” or simply, “It was so hot when you spanked me.” You get the idea. Think of it as a recap. There is no denying what just happened, so recap out loud, baby.

Easy enough? It sure is! Three steps is all it takes to begin expanding your sex life in a playful and intimate way. Remember that the bedroom is a space for you to have fun, to connect, and to use your words! It’s okay to be shy at first, it’s okay to laugh at yourself. Enjoy the process and use it to bring you and your partner(s) closer. In no time at all, you’ll find that you’re empowering your voice, realizing what you enjoy, and asking for it!

If you find yourself having a difficult time using your words in bed, don’t fret. We are here to support you as you develop clear and powerful ways to communicate. Email me at to schedule a free consultation today. Remember: your life is yours to enjoy and thrive in. You have the power to create what fulfills you. Ask for what you want. Just a few words can be liberating and can take your sex life to a new and exciting place.

Debbie & Patty